Stars, Lights, and Fansites
by ShadowAlchemist503
Summary: Dave Strider was a famous musician who made it big, and despite never having met him, John loathed him with all he could muster. But one day, when he's trolling around on a Dave Strider fansite, he incidentally meets Dave through a message board- without knowing it. What will happen as they form a friendship with each other without John truly knowing who he's talking to? (HS AU)
1. Chapter 1

Your name is John Egbert and you're tired of these shenanigans.

Ever since you could remember, you found Dave Strider to be an insufferable ass, and you will not succumb to his good looks or southern twang. Not when his personality was as awful as spoiled milk, if not worse. You weren't sure why your dear friend Rose was sending you his oh-so popular music videos. He was like Justin Bieber in his early days but worse, and with less views.

**EB: whyd you send me this**

**TT: I thought you'd enjoy it. Did you not?**

**EB: besides his awful voice and his smug face yeah I enjoyed it :B**

**TT: I'm getting an inkling you might've not enjoyed it.**

**EB: nope i love bleeding out of my ears**

**TT: So would you like me to send you more links to his music?**

**TT: **** watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ**

**TT: I think you'll find his voice almost haunting in this one**

**EB: yeah haunting**

**EB: haunting my dreams more like!**

**TT: Although I can definitely agree Dave Strider is completely graceless and devoid of humility, I don't understand why you loathe his songs so much?**

**EB: his voice is annoying and he has that stupid southern accent**

**TT: What do you have against southern accents if I may ask?**

**EB: They remind too much of walmart**

**EB: Aka the porcelain toilet bowl of humanity**

**EB: Where I'm pretty sure he was conceived**

**TT: As much I'd like to indulge you in your Walmart fantasies, my mother is **

**calling for me.**

**EB: ok bye!**

**tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering EctoBiologist [EB] at 19:23**

You frown, or grimace maybe. You grimace in pure, unadulterated hatred of the annoying pale, shaded face staring at you from across the screen, not that he was literally staring since he was in a screen of course. Perhaps you were being a bit dramatic though, you supposed you simply had a strong disliking for him. Hatred is a bit much. Thinking to how you could share you dislike with the world, you clicks open a new browser tab and formulates a plan that only a genius such as yourself could formulate. You type in Dave Strider's fansite address, and grin a little, excited for the hell you're sure you're about to unleash.

This was sort of a favorite pass time of yours, trolling around on Dave's fansite. His fans all seemed to be tween girls or mothers well into their thirties- the type who typically enjoy Fifty Shades of Gray. Nonetheless, you found great satisfaction in angering their stupid love for

Dave Strider.

When did you even begin to dislike Dave? Who knows, maybe when you entered high school or something. That seemed to be what any girl your age talked about at the time. (At least when it came to music). They all fawned over how he was available, had 'perfect' hair and a 'perfect' face, to match his oh so _perfect_ body and mediocre voice. So after hearing enough about all this, you looked him up- and within seconds realized what an arrogant pile of dog crap he was! You also found out he was 6'2" and was from Texas, which seemed to be where he got that overdone obviously fake Southern twang. You were only slightly jealous that he was the same age as yourself and was about a head taller than you, but you'd never admit that.

Now that you were practically almost down with your junior year, your dislike for him grew with each passing second, possibly millisecond and has been growing ever since Freshman year. Okay that's still a little over the top, but you still wished he would cease to exist from the media's eye more than ever. The way he never smiled, only smirked, and always had those dumb shades on just bothered you to the core. Unless he was _blind_, which he clearly wasn't, there should be no excuse to wear shades inside.

So with a crack of your knuckles, you typed in your username and password (you know, pathetic to actually have an account on this godforsaken website, but that was only way to get in), and went to the most recent message board, which was titled, 'Why do you think Dave Strider is so great?' You snort a little, and scroll down to the very bottom, glancing at the comments, and began to write your own;

_DeckedOutGhost says: Dave Strider is a jerk that serves no purpose in society other than to be annoying and offer shade to his fans with his massive hairy butt. He is 98% ass and 2% dick._

You post the comment with immense satisfaction. Typically you don't enjoy anonymous name calling, but when it came to such blithering egotistical jerks like Dave, you found you couldn't really care less. Conveniently only moments later, you get a reply.

_TheGodlyWorm says: lol are you obssessed with his asshole are some shit? That's some fucked up shit man._

You frown, realizing now it probably sounds like you're infatuated with Dave's ass or something, which you are most certainly _not._

_DeckedOutGhost says: Wtf are you talking about? Who in their right mind would want Dave's ass anywhere near them? That's some grossness I want no part of!_

There was a ping barely seconds later.

_TheGodlyWorm says: Are you allergic to looking at damn fine asses or something? Because that's what I'm getting from this. Because Dave has one fine ass._

You groan, what the hell was this person talking about? You'd never even thought about looking at Dave's ass, let alone thinking it was anywhere close to fine.

_DeckedOutGhost says: Are you allergic to actual decent people? Dave is a total loser so my only conclusion is that you must be._

_TheGodlyWorm says: My god you're a complete fucking dumbass aren't you? He's obviously doing this whole thing to be ironic. But of course a dumbass wouldn't notice that._

You couldn't help but be somewhat offended over this person's last comment. You were positive you weren't a dumbass.

_DeckedOutGhost says: Doesn't change anything. He's still awful. Plus why does he wear those shades? There's no purpose._

_TheGodlyWorm says: Are you fucking with me right now? I literally just explained it to you. He does all of this shit to be ironic. Are you really that much of a dumbfuck to not know that?_

Now you were _positive_ that you were in fact not a dumbfuck.

_DeckedOutGhost says: Who in their right mind would ever want to know that stuff about Dave Strider? He's just some dumbass 17 year old with 99% of his dick shoved into his personality :B_

_TheGodlyWorm says: Um according to his most popular video, about 6-7 million gives several shits about him. Also there you go thinking about what's under his pants again you fucking perv._

_DeckedOutGhost says: since his dick is likely only .001 cm long because the rest is shoved into his personality i assure you I dot give a crap about whats under his pants. yeah? Well jesus only had 12 followers and he got wayyyyy moe done and even had a book written about him unlike dave's shallow and useless self._

_TheGodlyWorm says: My god you sure think about his dick a lot don't you? I'm getting uncomfortable here by the sheer amount of undertone of eroticism you display through your comments._

You felt frustrated with TheGodlyWorm, your comments are frustrating you to no end. You know they're probably just an internet troll like you, and despite your years of being exposed to internet trolls, it still somehow managed to get under your skin.

_DeckedOutGhost says: you think i get a hard on from his micropenis? i think youre the one who gets a raging stiffy from the way you talk about him like he's some god to be revered._

_TheGodlyWorm says: Hey I mean he's pretty great, but not that great, so no, I assure you that you're the only one to get a pathetically small stiffy from him._

_DeckedOutGhost says: are you implying that while Dave doesn't give you a pathetically small stiffy, that other things do make your pathetically small weiner rise to the occasion? hehe thats kinda sad dude _

_TheGodlyWorm says: Ew first you want to know about Dave's dick and now you want to know about mine? What kind of sick and twisted creep are you? I bet you whack off to tentacle porn. I could see you being the type to do some sick shit like that._

You growl a little. How dare he insinuate that you spend your free time doing such vile things like whack off to tentacle porn!? You may be weird but not that weird.

_DeckedOutGhost says: listen you brought up the whole boner thing so I'm more concerned over you fretting over my dick than me fretting over yours. really? tentacle porn was the first thing to come to mind? I bet it's because you secretly do it all the time- whack off to tentacle porn that is. I bet you like it really graphic too, with loads of suction cups don't you..._

_TheGodlyWorm says: So we've both established we have dicks, so unless I've suddenly become a raging homo interested in dickwads I don't see why I'd fancy going anywhere near your impossibly and most likely microscopic dick. Why the hell are you talking about suction cups, I feel like throwing up. You've violated my mind, popped my mental cherry you disgusting vile piece of rectum._

You hear your dad shout that dinner, and possibly even dessert is ready, followed by a sound of something shattering in the kitchen. You groan, not remotely in the mood for his confections. You write one last comment which is;

_DeckedOutGhost says: i wouldnt be surprised if you were a raging homosexual, the way you seem to worship Dave's ass! ew that is the grossest metaphor I've ever heard. now youve popped my mental cherry for having popped your mental cherry. also talk to me on my pesterchum; ectoBiologist. I want to convince you how much of a dick Dave Strider is_

With that, you turns off your computer and head out of your room, unprepared for the onslaught of confection and fatherly love that's about to be stuffed down your gullet.

**A/N**

**_Hey so I kind of tried writing this story like two years ago, but kind of failed at that so here's a rewrite!_**** Tell me what you think, how I could improve! I'm already on Chapter 6 in the story, so let me know now if there's anything I should change. Love you all! **


	2. Chapter 2

You felt proud of yourself. For the first time since...well you couldn't remember the last time this happened, you dodged your dad's incredibly spongy Betty Crocker cake. You told him you weren't all that hungry so he set the cake aside, and you couldn't feel prouder of your clever lie. You almost felt unstoppable. If you could lie about not being hungry, then what else could you lie about? This power was almost too much.

You walk up the stairs, and head back into your room, admiring Nic Cage's beautiful face and his powerful nose plastered on your wall, specifically from the movie Ghost Rider (the first one of course). You weren't sure you'd ever get tired of him and his perfection. But your distraction was split when you heard an onslaught of pings coming from your computer, and decided to check it out. You moved the mouse around so the computer would wake up, and saw the pings were coming from your pesterchum. You were surprised to see someone new messaging you; probably that guy from that Dave Strider fansite, considering all your other friends were usually idle or offline at this time.

**turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering EctoBiologist [EB] at 23:15 -**

**TG: Hey it's me, TheGodlyWorm**

**TG: From that badass Dave Strider fansite**

**EB: youre stupid if you think that's badass**

**EB: since youre a guy and seems to be infatuated with Dave I would say youre extremely homo**

**TG: The hell. You don't have to want his dick to see how great of a guy Dave is**

**TG: Why do you keep accusing me of being homo? Usually the accuser is actually the accused**

**EB: just calling it as i see it**

**TG: You said you'd prove why Dave is such a dumbass. So far you're doing the exact opposite of what you intended to do.**

**EB: first off a) he's from texas**

**TG: What's so bad about texas?**

**EB: b) he never removes those shades**

**EB) c) ive never seen him smile just smirk aka number 1 sign of a douche**

**TG: You're a dumbass. I already told you, he does this shit to be ironic**

**EB: d) he tries to be ironic and fails**

**EB: e) he seems arrogant! i mean i get it hes 17 and pretty famous but hes let it go way too far to his head and someone needs to pop his ego. it's like a malignant tumor!**

**TG: Did you just compare his ego to a tumor. My grandma has a tumor and she's about to die in two days. How do you feel now you fuckwit**

**EB: oh**

**EB: im so sorry!**

**TG: I don't actually have a grandma, just testing to see how much of an ass you are**

**EB: think I might hate you more than Dave :B**

**TG: Lucky me. Where's my prize?**

**EB: you can eat my crap if you want hehe**

**TG: I'll kick your ass first**

**EB: while you trip over my crap**

**TG: Sounds fair enough.**

**EB: what age are you?**

**EB: just so I know im not talking to some 40 year old**

**TG: I'm 5**

**EB: are you serious omg**

**TG: What the hell do you think**

**TG: I'm 17**

**EB: yeah same**

**EB: just turned 17 last week actually**

**EB: What country are you from?**

**TG: Happy late birthday**

**TG: and North Pole**

**TG: Get to talk with Santa and shit**

**TG: He gives me candy and toys while I'm up there**

**EB: thanks! haha good to know**

**EB: im from america**

**TG: What state?**

**EB: washington.**

**TG: Sucks for you, heard it rains a lot there. I'm from Texas.**

**EB: Oooh like you're mancrush Dave Strider**

**TG: This will be the first and last time I tell you, Dave is not my mancrush. He's just a great guy I admire a ton**

**EB: sounds like a mancrush to me**

**EB: here since you told me your mancrush ill tell you mine**

**TG: Please don't**

**EB: It's Nic Cage**

**TG: You're kidding**

**TG: Nic Cage doesn't know how to act to save his life.**

**TG: If someone held a gun to his head and told him to act properly he would get killed**

**TG: Since he can't act to save his life**

**EB: Take that back you monster. Nic Cage is a god**

**TG: Oh yeah? Do you know he has a son, who he obviously doesn't give a singular shit about**

**EB: no wtf hes very supportive of his children. why do you know he has kids if you don't like him**

**TG: He looks constipated in all his photos with his son. Do you honestly think he likes being around him**

**TG: Be completely fucking honest, no bs**

**EB: no he looks very happy with him**

**TG: You're a dumbass**

**EB: creative insult**

**EB: totally never heard that one before!**

**TG: It's because it's true. You're a total dumbass**

**EB: sorry couldnt hear you**

**EB: might have to say it again**

**TG: That was a lame attempt at sarcasm. Don't try it again**

**EB: me? sarcastic? noooo**

**TG: So you sarcastic little shit, what's your name?**

**EB: if you MUST know...its John**

**TG: That was somehow anticlimactic**

**EB: whats yours?**

**TG: Can't tell you. If we ever meet in person I'll tell you though**

**EB: thats oddly suspicious**

**EB: what about if we webcam?**

**TG: Nah, it'd be better if we met in person.**

**EB: you sure youre not some gay pedophile coming to snatch me?**

**TG: Whoa, you're right! I just checked my birth record and it said I'm 40! Not 17! Wow sure fucked up that one**

**EB: okay okay i was just asking a question! jeez**

**TG: Nah but really, if I ever do happen to meet you in real life, then I'll tell you my name.**

**EB: haha aren't you jumping ahead too much?**

**EB: We barely started talking like 2 hours ago and you're already saying we'll meet in person :B**

**TG: I'm not saying shit you gumwad. I'm just saying, if it ever does happen...You can refer to me TG for now though**

**EB: um okay? thats** **weird**

**EB: I guess ill call you TG**

**EB: you know this convo really spiraled out of control. what we were even talking about?**

**TG: We were talking about how amazing Dave Strider is**

**EB: aah of course we were! because I would do that**

**TG: Yup you would**

**TG: Here, he just released a new song. Listen to it.**

**EB: ...**

**EB: yup still hate him. But a little less though since he seemed to actually show a little emotion in this song**

**TG: See, you're going to hate him less and less until suddenly bam**

**TG: You're obviously homo ass is lusting after his dick**

**EB: why would only my ass be gay why not my whole body**

**EB: cmon TG gotta use your brain!**

**TG: You get what I mean Johnny boy**

**EB: hey well listen mystery (maybe)pedo I have to go take a shower and go to bed so ill talk to you tomorrow**

**TG: Alright, talk to you later.**

**ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 23:32 -**

You sit in front of his computer, and crack your knuckles. You decide whoever this person that you're talking to is a complete ass, but one you can tolerate. You have your suspicions about why he's so obsessed with Dave but you'll keep them to yourself (the primary suspicion being that he actually is Dave Strider, which you think would make you laugh your ass off if that ended up being true, because really, what 17 year old year old boy is that obsessed with Dave?). Snapping yourself out of your very humorous thought you stand up and grabs some pajamas, and walk over to the bathroom to take a shower, ready to get prepared for a good nights rest.

**A/N**

**Hey guys thank you so much for reviewing, it really means a lot! Love y'all and I hope you guys are having a great day :) What do you think of this chapter? Anything I should change or edit?**


	3. Chapter 3

You wake up, and rub your eyes and look around for your eye drops to help with your bothersome allergies that no matter what medicine you took, always seem to be around every spring. You get up, stretch your arms, and cross the room, grabbing your eye drops, squeeze the infernal eye drops into your eyes, and flinch a little as it began to sting. But what had to be done had to be done, as they always say. Who the hell is 'they' anyways, you wonder. What a terrible quote. Oh well, at least your eyes don't look as red as last night's homemade rendition of pizza, now leaving you to find your glasses. Which are conveniently who the hell knows where. You feels your phone vibrate in your pajama pocket and you wonder who it could be. You take it out of your pocket and find a text from Jade and squint hard to read what it says.

**-gardenGnostic [GG] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 9:55-**

**GG: Did you have a dream about it last night?**

**EB: About what?**

**GG: About your true love!**

**EB: i dont know what youre talking about :B**

**GG: Of course you do, you just don't remember it silly :)**

**EB: hehe if i had a true love im sure i would know about it **

**GG: I guess you'll just have to wait and see!**

**GG: Anyways do you wanna see a movie with me and Karkat later?**

**EB: Which one?**

**GG: I wanna see a horror movie but karkat doesn't really want to :/**

**EB: Can we see something funny? **

**GG: Yeah let me ask Karkat!**

**GG: He got really mad and said comedy movies are as interesting as staring at paint dry!**

**EB: We should watch Scream 4! **

**EB: He'd get so mad hehe**

**GG: He doesn't know what that is and he says as long as it isn't comedy or horror he's okay with it **

**GG: He's gonna flip out when he finds out what it's about! **

**GG: :(**

**EB: It'll be funny though :B **

**EB: Which theater?**

**GG: The one nearby our school**

**GG: We'll meet there at 11 since that's when the movie starts!**

**EB: Okay sounds good, see you then!**

**-ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 10:01-**

You shove your phone back into your pocket and decide to get ready, figuring you really need to find your glasses before you did anything, considering you kind of need them to see. Fortunately, you find them in a relatively short amount of time in a hidden space in your sock drawer. They must've fallen in there you figure, unless there was a ghost haunting your house that specifically did _not_ want you to see. Which was what you would probably do if you were a ghost. Prank the hell out of everyone who happened to be around.

You got ready, changing into your day clothes which consist of a jacket since it was still spring and thus would still be chilly, and afterwards, you slurp down your cereal before your dad could come into the kitchen and offer some routine cake to you. Which he still did regardless of the fact you just had some hearty Cheerios, but thankfully he didn't push you like he usually did to eat the cake. You were eternally grateful.

"Hey dad," you said, washing your bowl out, "I'm gonna go see a movie with Jade and Karkat at 11 by the school."

"Which movie?" Your dad asks, looking up from his newspaper.

"Scream 4."

Your dad's smile twisted into a frown, "I don't know how you kids can watch that. Have fun though!" He got up and ruffles your hair, messing it up quite successfully much to your annoyance.

"Dad please don't do that," You grumble, trying to pat down your now unbrushed looking hair. You don't know why he always felt the need to do that, it made you look incredibly unkempt and that was not the look you were going for!

"God wouldn't have made you with such fluffy hair if it wasn't made to be messed with," your dad jokes, opening the fridge to put some creamer in his coffee.

"What does God have to do with my hair? You just like messing with it." You roll your eyes. Speaking of god, you wonder what your new, friend/enemy/acquaintance or whatever he was turntechGodhead was up to right now? Probably sleeping. He seemed like that kind of person.

"True that son, true that," Your dad sort of chuckles, returning to his seat at the table, now this time with a coffee. You then hear a rev of an engine outside and peek through the kitchen curtain and to your surprise saw a sleek black car outside, which you know belongs to Jade's grandma, which Jade fortunately knew how to drive, having gotten her permit and license as soon as she possibly could.

"Hey dad Jade's here, I have to go!" You wave, and turn off the sink faucet, quickly setting your bowl in the dishwasher and grabbing a twenty dollar bill from your dad's rainy day jar. He waves back and you jog outside, slamming the door behind you. You cross the front yard, the little garden gnomes your dad placed last week freaking you out, motivating you to go faster.

You jump into the back seat, since Karkat was already in the car, and you say, "Hey thanks for the pick up! I thought we were meeting there."

"Jade thought you shouldn't walk so far so she dragged me all the way here just to pick you up," Karkat grumbled, the eye roll almost visible in his voice.

Ignoring Karkat's complaint, Jade asked, "Who's ready to see Scream 4?"

"I heard it was really good! I wanted to see it for my birthday but my dad insisted that we saw Insidious instead." You try not to shiver but it happens anyways. The movie made you sleep with your lights on the night you saw it. You kept expecting the demon from the movie to pop out of your closet, or for yourself to randomly start astral projecting, neither of which thankfully did not happen. Although this did remind you of the potential glasses-moving ghost haunting your house.

"Well it better be good or next time we see a movie I'm not going," Karkat threatened, which you and Jade both ignored knowing very well he would go with you two regardless of how bad it was.

After that the conversation spiraled into a story about Jade's dog and how her dog had ran away again, but was found only a few days later eating out of her neighbor's trashcan much to her neighbors dismay, because inside the trash were several divorce papers from the neighbors now ex-husband and many torn love letters from said divorced ex-husband. You weren't sure how these kinds of things continuously happened to Jade, when your life was always so boring, just a constant routine of homework, movies, and tomfoolery from your dad. Some people were just like that you suppose, just more interesting than others. Which is likely why Jade makes friends so much more easily than you, with her natural charisma and exciting tales, while your stories mainly consist of plots from thriller movies or movies you used to watch as a kid (a.k.a stories that aren't even your own as sad as that is).

Snapping out of your self-piteous reverie, you all reach the movie theaters in a surprisingly short amount of time, thanks to the lack of traffic likely due to it being before noon on a Saturday of all days, and you all climb out and go inside and buy your tickets.

"I call sitting in the back." Karkat says, as you got your popcorn.

"Fine, me and John will sit in the middle, right John?" Jade assures, batting her eyelashes hopefully, despite knowing you would already say yes, and you did, not minding where you sit.

"Whatever. If I get bored from the actual shartstain this movie will be just wake me up when it's over." Karkat commands, grabbing his popcorn and lathering it in butter.

You all buy your food and drinks and walk into the dark theater, Karkat taking a seat as he previously mentioned in the back, you and Jade sitting directly in the middle. As you were settling into the movie you realize you forgot to turn off your phone as you feel it vibrate against your leg. You silently curse and try to get it out of you pocket as subtly as you could, checking to see who had texted you. Much to your surprise it's TG as you were so lovingly told to call him.

**-turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 11:20-**

**TG: 'sup dude**

You turn down the brightness and hold your phone as close to your thigh as you could, hoping Jade wouldn't get curious and read over your shoulder as she often had a tendency to do.

**EB: just watching Scream 4 with some friends!**

**TG: Spoiler alert but everybody dies**

**EB: heeey unfair**

**TG: Jk I haven't seen the movie yet**

**TG: What's going on in it?**

**EB: right now the main character is just self-promoting her book nothing exciting yet**

**EB: unless thats exciting for you**

**EB: get it haha because i was saying you dont have a life**

**TG: Wow I almost laughed**

**TG: It was almost funnier than the insults you come up with**

**EB: need some ice for that buuuurn**

**TG: I think the ice from your heart will suffice**

**EB: wow...that was cold**

**EB: ;B**

**TG: Did you just make a pun**

You felt a nudge against your shoulder and you look up to find Jade staring suspiciously at you, one brow raised, "Who're you texting?"

You glance down at your phone then back up at Jade, "No one, I was just about to turn off my phone."

Jade's mouth twitches up a little and she looked even more dubious than before, "I had a dream about this last night you know." She turns back to the movie, not giving any further explanation to what she just said.

**EB: yep i did so deal with it**

**EB: oh and I have to go watch a movie so text you later! **

**TG: See ya**

**TG: Or rather text you later**

**-turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering EctoBiologist [EB] at 11:29- **

You turn off your phone and return to the movie, not having paid attention to the last five minutes, figuring you'd probably catch up pretty quickly.

After the movie finished, the two of you got up and you did indeed find Karkat in the farthest row sound asleep, even a little drool sticking to his hoodie. Jade shook him awake much to his displeasure and you all left to go eat at a burger place next door, Karkat burning a hole into your heads the whole way there, likely for disturbing his rest.

"So," Jade starts, looking over at you, "Who was that in the theater that you were texting? Got some girlfriend we don't know about?"

You stupidly feel heat spread to your face and you shake your head, "No not at all! It's nothing like that. I just made a new friend."

"When will we meet this 'new _friend_' hmm?" Jade asks, you unsure if she was genuinely curious or trying to get a rise out of you based on her implicit tone.

You shrug, "I dunno, I met him on a website, I don't know when or if I'll meet him anytime soon."

"Ooh so it's a boy? Is there something you're not telling us John?" Jade teases, making your face heat up further much to your displeasure.

"No - he's just my friend, stop making it weird!" You were pretty sure your voice was getting to octaves you haven't reached since your voice started cracking, and you weren't sure why you felt so nervous at the mention of liking TG, it's not like you were gay or anything. You figure no one really likes the insinuation that they're gay though, thus reasoning that your reaction to Jade's implications were reasonable.

"I'm not making it weird John! If anything I think you're the only one here reacting so much, right Karkat?" Jade asked.

Karkat grunted in agreement behind them. You roll your eyes and mutter, "Oh you got me, I'm completely gay for someone I met online like 2 days ago who I don't even know the name or face of."

"Where'd you meet him?"

You look anywhere but Jade asking, "Does it really matter?"

Her brows flew into her hairline, "Don't tell me you met him on a dating website."

"No, why would I do that, I'm not that desperate!" Your complaint comes out more like a whine and you huff, "If you must know, I was trolling around on a Dave Strider fan site and met him on there." Realizing what you just confessed to you hear Karkat cackle behind you and you slap a hand to your face and groan.

"John I knew you were lonely but I did not expect you to be so lonely as to do that!" Jade gasped, covering her mouth with a hand.

"I was bored! Can we go inside now? We're at the restaurant." You knew Jade was burning with questions with the way she was looking at you, but you find that food tends to shut her up and that's what you desperately need her to be doing right now.

The three of you enter and are quickly seated, and get your orders in places only for them to arrive at your table not even five minutes later, you suppose due to lunch hour probably having just finished. Karkat orders a Pepsi and Jade ordered a Coke, of course sending the two of them into a fierce argument about which was better, which neither won, since it was all based on opinion of course. You just sit there sipping on your coffee and water the whole time. You think you're starting to turn into your dad, with the rate you need caffeine these days.

Once you all finish you walk back to Jade's car and instead of having a movie night marathon like you usually do at Jade's house every Saturday night, Jade has to help her grandmother renovate the guest room for some family friends, so she instead just dropped you and Karkat off at your respective houses.

"Goodbye John, it was fun spending time with you!" Jade calls as you hop out, back onto the familiarity of your front lawn.

"Thanks Jade, it was fun spending time with you too, see you next time!" You wave her off as she drove away, turning around just in time to see the sunset sprawled out in soft pinks and oranges over the evening sky. If your phone camera wasn't so awful you were sure that'd make for a nice picture.

You cross the lawn, the sinister gnomes grinning devilishly at you the whole way there, and you unlock the front door, greeted by your dad tidying something up a few feet away. "Oh hello John," your dad looks up from whatever he was folding, "How was the movie?"

"It was pretty good, funnier than I expected." You took your shoes off by the door and set your keys on the shelf a couple feet away, "I think I'm gonna go upstairs and start on my homework though."

"Glad you had fun, good luck with your homework son." With that you were dismissed, and you run up to your bedroom and immediately go on to your computer, wiggling the mouse around again to turn it on. You were surprised to find you were still logged into the Dave Strider fan site and remember you forgot to message TG back after the movie. You open up pesterchum and opened up his chat and immediately started pestering him.

**-ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 16:15-**

**EB: hey im back **

**EB: people think i met you on a dating website**

**TG: how was it**

**TG: oh yeah we're totally gay for each other didn't you get the memo **

**EB: it was good! but a lot less people died than i wouldve expected**

**EB: oh was that you who was staring at me through my window last night**

**EB: because if it was you stop that we're not even on second base yet!**

**TG: did you want people to die or something you sicko**

**TG: no I was the one in your closet, do I have competition?**

**TG: the one outside your window was probably also me now that I think about it, hope you don't mind **

**EB: no i didn't, it just would make it funnier if they did**

**EB: i do mind actually, there's an order to these things**

**EB: you have to see someone's face before you stalk them, otherwise how do you know how to stalk them! silly TG**

**TG: Dude if you think people dying is funny you should check yourself into a mental hospital, I'm really concerned**

**TG: Who's saying I don't know your face**

**EB: are you actually concerned? **

**EB: because if you are that's kind of sweet**

**EB: okay if you know my face what does it look like**

**TG: pshhh **

**TG: okay you probably have glasses**

**TG: cuz you're a nerd**

**TG: I feel like you're kind of short**

**EB: aw you are concerned aren't you**

**EB: wow um i actually do have glasses that's weird**

**EB: hey! i am not short, i'm average height**

**TG: I mean duh i have to be if I'm apparently your boyfriend**

**TG: your friends with benefits**

**TG: the love of your life**

**TG: the loin of your cloth**

**TG: wait how tall are you, you're like 5'5" aren't you **

**EB: aw thanks :B **

**EB: wait what the loin of your cloth uhhhhhhh**

**EB: um noooo i'm 5'7" i'm basically average height**

**EB: i bet you're like a midget and you're really jealous right now**

**TG: I have a sister who likes to read don't ask**

**TG: I mean i won't stop you from asking but i'd advise against it, shit gets weird **

**TG: wow dude you're shorter than my dead grandpa's withered dick**

**TG: no I'm actually 6'2"**

**EB: you have a sister? **

**EB: no way**

**EB: how does she put up with you**

**EB: ummmmm do you spend time looking at his dick or something**

**EB: no way that's really tall you're like a giant! You probably terrify children**

**TG: yeah we're not blood related though**

**TG: um why don't you ask her she has a chumhandle **

**TG: she just looked over my shoulder and says she knows you or some shit**

**TG: hell yeah I terrify children they're all annoying as fuck **

**EB: no way what is it**

**EB: that'd be really weird if she knew me **

**EB: what if i was a child, would i still be annoying as fuck?**

**TG: her chumhandle is tentacleTherapist **

**TG: the hell? if you were a child we would not be talking about being boyfriends**

**TG: that's some nasty shit **

**EB: no way i've known her for years! Tell her John Egbert says hi **

**EB: um you don't think we're actually boyfriends do you **

**TG: she says hi and i'm not that much of a dipshit obviously that was a joke **

**TG: wow your last name is egbert?**

**TG: eg...derp**

**TG: also I have to go bye**

**-turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB} at 17:06-**

You weren't sure if TG was mad or something, but you found that good bye to be pretty abrupt. Maybe he really just had to leave right then and there, not like you knew though, no point in worrying you think. Also Rose is TG's sister?! This whole time you never knew Rose even had a sibling, let alone a brother the same age as her. You knew Rose was born in New York, now living in Texas, but it almost seems like too big of a coincidence that they happened to be related. You also find it a little funny how opposite of each other they are, just based on the previous conversations they've had. Your curiousity growing stronger, you decide to pester Rose about it.

**-ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 17:08-**

**EB: hey rose**

**EB: you're turntechGodhead's sister?**

**TT: Yes it so happens that we are related, although not by blood. **

**EB: no way**

**EB: this whole time i didn't know you had any siblings!**

**TT: Well I do, although he is rather bothersome now that you mention it, although analyzing him oftentimes does prove to be quite an interesting albeit difficult feat. **

**EB: whats he like**

**EB: whats his name he hasnt told me anything**

**TT: I'd assume since you two are now becoming friends he'd tell you when he feels comfortable. It's not my position to tell you for him.**

**TT: Although I will tell you he's not what you'd expect. **

**EB: awww cmon Rose really? The only thing i know about him is that he's tall and the same age as me**

**EB: what if he has like **

**EB: a hunchback**

**EB: or he's albino**

**TT: If that's all he wants you to know for now, then that's that I'm afraid. Sorry John. **

**TT: My mother needs my help with something, presumably to help her up the stairs after quite a drinking session she just had. **

**EB: it's fine thanks Rose**

**EB: oh god i hope she's okay!**

**TT: Thank you for being understanding, and I think she will be, she tends to do this a lot. Enjoy your night. **

**-tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:15-**

You sigh and logout of your pesterchum, figuring you actually have some homework you have to get to before you lost the motivation to do it. You grab a pencil and your precalculus homework from your backpack and start on it, trying your hardest to concentrate but finding it difficult, only able to think that the mystery that is TG might be a 6'2" albino hunchback and you would have no idea. You'd have to figure out a way to find out who TG really is if you were ever going to be friends.

You quit after 10 ten minutes and decide you've earned a well deserved break and so you go downstairs to fetch some popcorn and get a movie from your vast collection. Precalculus will do things to a guy like you and you had a feeling Liv Tyler would do just the trick, and soon enough you found the popcorn bowl empty and you felt content and decide now would be a better time than any to sleep, so you do, the sound of Liv Tyler's voice helping you drift off into a dreamless sleep.

**A/N**

**Thank you guys for commenting! Haha poor John doesn't know a thing, poor guy...Let me know what you guys think, i really love the feedback!**


	4. Chapter 4

It was the fourth of May, your favorite unofficial holiday. You dress up in your favorite Star Wars clothing, even with your yoda keychain Jade gave you so many years ago attached to your backpack, and any chance you got, you would say 'May the fourth be with you'. As soon as you woke up this morning you pestered that to Rose, despite you having said that to her each year the past 3 years, this being the fourth year running. You thought about sending it to TG, but strangely, since two Saturdays ago, TG hasn't been online. You weren't sure if you made him mad when you joked about you two dating or if he was busy or what. You tried asking Rose but she said she didn't know and that he'd probably be online soon. You found that odd since they lived together but you try your best to not worry about it. Besides, you still didn't really know each other that well.

You bound out of the last class of your day, which was Introduction to Basic Piano (an incredibly easy class that you aren't even sure why you're taking), and meet up with Jade by her locker at the end of the hall. "Hey Jade, how was class?"

She stuffs a couple books into her bag and she smiles, "We got to do a project where we made a political art piece about the destruction of forests." She looks up from her locker to you, adding, "You should really take this class with me John, it'd be so fuuuun."

You scrunch up your face and lean into the locker next to you. You aren't particularly fond of art in general, and you were already taking 3 A.P.'s and you figure adding an A.P. about environmental science would likely bring down your GPA, as interesting as the subject might be. "I don't think I could manage to take so many A.P.'s Jade," you say, and she simply shrugs.

Her mood quickly changes and she pushes you playfully, asking, "So what's up with that boy you met on the Dave Strider fansite-" You logically shove your hand over her mouth and put a finger to your lips, effectively silencing her, because you were pretty sure you were about to have a panic attack right there. After a moment you let go and she whines, "Whaaat, don't be ashamed!"

"I don't need everyone knowing I go on there!" You wail, slapping your hands to your head in frustration. Even if it was for trolling, no one could ever possibly know except for Jade and Karkat, and perhaps Rose if she somehow managed to find out. Knowing her sleuth-like ways you wouldn't be surprised if she didn't already know. Which frustrated you to no end.

Jade looks around, amusement clearly on her face, and says, "There's no one else in the hall, I think you're okay."

You put a hand to your heart, and close your eyes. You open your eyes again and meet Jade's slightly concerned stare and weakly laugh. "You got me scared for a second," you mutter, "I really thought I was about to die right there."

"So anything new on the front of this mysterious stranger? Has he swept you off your feet yet?" Jade asks, laughing as soon as she sees your face flush like a damn girl having a crush - which you are certainly not having and you hate the she is so heavily implying it.

"Stop making it seem like I have a crush on him, he's a he if you haven't noticed," you say, glaring pointedly at her, "and no, we haven't talked in a couple weeks." You think maybe you'd try messaging him tonight, because TG certainly was a mysterious, well not stranger, but acquaintance at least. For all you know he could really be a 40 year old pedophile living in his mothers basement, waiting to meet up with you. But then again, that didn't exactly make sense considering he was Rose's brother.

"True love doesn't discriminate my friend so don't give up!" Jade says, as if that was the most sage advice she's ever given.

You sigh, knowing Jade was being nonsensical at this point. You don't understand why she was always hinting that you're gay or something. First, about 6 months ago she thought you liked Karkat, which was a big, fat and resounding no! You can't like someone shorter than you first of all! Then a few months later she thought you liked a boy named Eridan from your class, which again, was an ever bigger no than before (and made no sense since he used to bully you in middle school). You weren't sure why she was being so persistent about this non-existent crush you have on a guy you barely met a couple weeks ago that you don't even know the name or face of.

You were pulled from your thoughts though when you hear a ringtone coming from your backpack and when you go fish it out, you see it's your dad. You pick it up and ask, "Hey dad, what's up?"

Your dad's distant voice sung into your ear, "Come meet me by the side gate, I have something I want to show you!"

You groan, a bad feeling welling up inside of you that this would either have to do with your dad's peculiar clown fixation or something within the confectionary orientation. Either way, it couldn't be good. "Okay dad, I'll be right there." You disconnect the call and put your phone into your back pocket and say, "Hey Jade I gotta go, my dad wants to show me something."

She made a face and says, "Good luck, don't die out there soldier."

You laugh and smile, appreciating how Jade could make any situation funnier, "Thanks I'll try not to!" You left and went down the hall and outside the building, cutting through the grass and into the student parking lot, where your dad was waiting for you in his silver Chevy Corolla. What a dad car, you think. You wonder for a moment how many dads have that specific car.

You open the door and hop into the passenger's seat, and shut the door behind you, looking expectantly at your dad, "What did you want to show me?"

Just as your dad starts pulling a cake out from the back seat that you're completely sure originated from the 7th circle of hell, you feel a buzz against your leg to save the day. After realizing it was a text and not a call, you realize you could not escape the monstrosity that was your father's nightmarish clown cake and you groan, not sure if your dad was doing this to torment you or if he just truly loves clowns, or some awful combination. "Dad, this is really weird," you say weakly, pulling out your phone partly to see who messaged you and to ignore the awful red and white mess next to you. Surprisingly, it was a text from TG you'd have to answer later.

"Son but I made it for you!" Your dad replies, quite cheerily, much to your dissatisfaction, because you think no one in their right mind could be happy about making an edible Pennywise-lookalike. But you had to remember this was your dad you were talking about.

"Just, put it back on the seat please," You mumble, starting to think up scenarios about how the cake could turn out to be Pennywise and start making blood coming out of your bathroom faucets. You shudder at the thought.

"Son," your dad starts, "I'll never know what cake to make you if you never tell me what kind you like." You don't have the heart to tell him you don't like any cake, and you haven't since you were at least ten, so you just shrug and apologize, and the both of you drive home in tense silence. Once you reach home, your dad tries to offer you the clown cake again but no matter how much pressure he puts on you, you say no and he sadly walks into the kitchen, presumably to destroy the cake and make something new. Ignoring your dad for the moment, trying to quell your guilt, you go upstairs and enter your room, immediately sinking onto your bed. Your bed was more dependable than a lot of things in your life, and you kind of just wanted to stay there, but you knew you had things to do.

So you get up and set your backpack aside, and change from your day clothes into your pajamas, knowing you aren't going out any more today. You then take your forgotten phone out of the pants you just changed out of from the floor, and check the message TG sent you when you were being bombarded by your dad's untimely cake, and you find there's a lot more missed messages than you anticipated.

-turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 15:30-

TG: 'sup

TG: sorry for the late reply

TG: oh what now you're too cool to respond?

TG: doesn't really apply though since i'm the coolest

TG: you can't be cooler than someone who's already the coolest

TG: cooler than ice or some shit

TG: wow just ignoring me like a prom date you knocked up?

TG: you're a real fuckin class act John

TG: just gonna leave me to raise this kid you impregnated me with all by myself

TG: next thing you know she's doing drugs in the streets because she didn't have a mother figure

TG: you being the mother figure obviously

EB: why would i ever be the mother figure considering im the one that knocked you up!

TG: now you decide to answer

TG: now that our daughter's grown up and doing drugs

TG: real fuckin great timing you have there

TG: I should sue you

EB: Considering i think both of us were born biologically male idk how one of us got pregnant

EB: Unless there's something you're not telling me?

EB: Also why have you been gone for two weeks that's so long!

TG: how the fuck should I know, go ask our daughter who's dealing drugs to strangers on street corners for food

TG: no dude I assure you I was born male and still am that

TG: and I was busy.

TG: aka none of your business

EB: how you do you not remember the pregnancy with our apparent teenage daughter?

EB: if i was the actual dad i promise i'd be there every step of the way!

EB: and wow ruuuuuude

TG: well thanks for that comfort egderp I could've used that when the baby was being cut out of my goddamn stomach

TG: damn calm down don't get your panties in a twist

EB: my panties are very much untwisted thank you very much!

TG: so does that mean you wear panties?

TG: never would've pegged you as that kinda guy

TG: okay I guess I'll tell you

TG: but I was...writing songs and kind of got distracted

EB: wouldn't you like to know. Hehe

EB: oh you write music?

EB: do you know how to play any instruments or is it like a singing type of thing?

TG: You probably have your name stitched into your underwear like a dork or something

TG: yeah I like to write music, and perform it sometimes

TG: um I like to sing I guess...and guitar comes pretty easy but I really love using my turntables, I can't really make a career out of that specifically though

EB: do not! although I admit I used to do that as a kid though :B

EB: oh seriously you perform? that's pretty cool!

EB: oh why can't you make a career out of that? Lots of people probably love turntables

EB: i only know how to play piano so i'm not as cool as you or anything hehe but i can do something at least

TG: i'm surprised, wouldn't peg you to ever be that much of a derp

TG: Eh, it gets kinda annoying after a while always having to perform

TG: i mean, if I was a dubstep artist then yeah but I'm already too far into what I do to really change genres, yknow, appealing to the crowd and all that

TG: hey give yourself some credit, piano's pretty cool in it's own way. What songs do you know?

EB: wow thanks what a gentlemen

EB: you make it sound like you're famous or something

EB: are you like secretly the actual dave strider or something?

EB: thatd be so funny if you were considering where i met you!

EB: um! I guess a lot of stuff mainly classical though like Tchaikovsky or Joplin

EB: modern can be fun too but it gets repetitive

TG: the fuck I ain't famous at all i'm probably less famous than you in all honesty

EB: hey rude!

TG: just the truth kid

EB: i'm only a few months younger than you at most TG...

TG: anyways let me finish my point

TG: I am nowhere near as cool or ironic as Dave Strider I'm telling you right now i'm not him

TG: before you get any bs in your head about it

TG: hey that's some pretty impressive shit i don't think I could ever play that, that takes skill

EB: yeah you seem too nice to be him!

EB: take that as a compliment hehe

EB: wow since when did you get so nice. This is kind of weird haha

TG: uh thanks I guess?

TG: and fuck off i've always been nice

TG: nicer than a teenager helping an old woman cross the street because she's blind and shit

TG: even though he just found out his girlfriend left him for a douche literally 15 seconds ago

TG: and the douche votes against gay marriage and eats puppies for breakfast

TG: because that's how much of a complete shit stain he is

TG: meanwhile the teenager helping the old lady rescues cats from trees and reads cancer children bedtime stories in his free time when he isn't fuckin helping the homeless

TG: because he's nice as fuck

EB: ...

TG: what? Blown away by my kindness or some shit?

EB: you're a dork TG i knew it all along!

TG: excuse me Egderp?

TG: Respect your motherfucking elders why don't you

EB: you're really not...that much older than me

EB: if we're both 17

EB: oh yeah and may the fourth be with you!

TG: did you just pull Star Wars on me goddamn i knew you were a nerd but not this much of one

TG: don't tell me you're dressed up in a bunch of Star Wars shit right now

TG: because I swear to jegus if you are then

EB: oh i guess you caught me!

EB: um yeah i doooont have a millenium falcon shirt on or anything hahaha

EB: or darth vader sunglasses!

EB: not that i can wear them anyways with my real glasses

TG: my god this is

TG: a whole new level of nerd

TG: peter jackson would jack the fuck off to whatever the hell you're wearing or saying

EB: that you even know who peter jackson is makes me question who the bigger nerd is :B

TG: Are you calling me a nerd Jonathan Egderp?

TG: Because if you are then you can rightly fuck off

EB: pfffff

EB: of course im not why would i ever suggest that

EB: :B

EB: *coughyou'reanerdcough*

TG: Only cuz my Bro made me watch those shitty long ass movies

TG: I didn't watch them willingly

TG: Besides at least I don't use the ':B' emoticon when i'm trying to be a smart ass

TG: like a certain derp here

EB: you have a brother too?

EB: jeez how many siblings do you have

EB: hey don't diss the awesomeness of the :B emoji!

TG: Yeah i have a bro, mlp smuppet loving asshole

TG: along with Lalonde but that's it

TG: guess there's Lalonde's older sis Roxy but she's in college or some shit

TG: and i will diss as much as it deserves to be dissed

EB: oh wow! You have more siblings than id expect

EB: i have one but she's at college already

EB: wait what

EB: what the hell is a smuppet?

So TG explains to you the world of smuppetry, and how his bro makes a living off of selling smuppets online, and how he's been traumatized by them since an incident when he was 13. You found yourself laughing, and asked what that could entail when he explained to you that it involved a lot of things phallic and he wondered how he didn't have flashbacks everytime he so much as looked at his throbbing man meat, to which you guffawed and called him gross for even coming up with a name like that.

So you told him how all your dad did was make a shit ton of cake (you thought shit ton was an accurate measurement) and had since you could recall, and you told him about the monstrosity of a clown cake he had put in front of you today, to which TG said that was the shit of nightmares, to which you vehemently agreed. You also told him of your friends, like Jade, Rose, and Karkat (despite him already knowing Rose), and how long you had known each of them. He told you about how he was friends with two girls named Terezi and Nepeta, Nepeta who he thought was likely a closet furry, which made you laugh again.

So the two of you talked about a range of things the rest of the night, mainly arguing a lot about movies and music, and you found yourself wondering how the guy you met on a shitty Dave Strider fansite who you initially thought was a total ass, turned out to be a pretty funny, even what you could say, a nice guy. You laughed at the bizarre notion that briefly, you had thought that this was Dave Strider, but then you decided this guy, whoever it was you were talking to, was too eccentric and genuinely interesting to be that asshole. You decided if you ever got to meet him then cool, but if not, you didn't feel too bothered, as for now, this was good enough.

**A/N**

**Hey guys thank you so much for reading this and commenting/following the story, it makes my little gay heart quiver :'^) Love you all! Also what do you think of this chapter? Should I change anything, or fix any possible OOCness? **


	5. Chapter 5

Finals. It was fucking _finals_ week and you felt like you were about to have an aneurysm and you were sure you had more knots in your back than a boy scout could knot in his entire life (okay maybe not the best metaphor- you thought TG was rubbing off on you a little), and you realized this was going to be the week you finally fucking died. You just knew it. You told TG your worries after telling him denial after denial that no, you were just a little stressed did he finally catch the clue that you were at your breaking point. Jade seemed to be in no better of a position. She was snappy and had bags under her eyes, and her hair had been in a messy ponytail since you had seen her the past couple weeks; a telltale sign of her distress. Karkat couldn't give less of shit even if he tried, which you envied to his disdain and utter confusion. Rose of course thought you were overreacting, but she mentioned it in that passive way of hers, like she understood when she probably really didn't and god you wanted to break something.

You checked your phone and realized you had to get up at some point, as it was already almost 6:50 on this particular Monday May morning. God you were so glad this was basically the last week left of May, and you could be that much closer summer vacation. Finally! You would be done with the giant clusterfuck that is the 11th grade year. You'd have more free time for well, everything. For being with friends, getting your permit, maybe doing some volunteering, talking more to TG...which has been a thing that has been happening almost everyday for the past three weeks, much to your satisfaction. You two talked a lot more than you expected, and it was nice, his humor was a refreshing break from the stressors of school. The both of you could just joke along about whatever, which you found you really appreciated more than you ought to have.

Your Dad knocked on your door pulling you out of your thoughts and you said, "Come in!"

He opened the door, his grey fluffy slippers that you weren't sure as to how haven't been completely destroyed yet entered your vision and he looked at you with a kind of you fatherly pride that always makes you feel happy, "You're going to do well this week John, good luck." You got up, pulling him into a hug as you muttered a thank you and that you'll try your hardest. He ruffled your hair, which you didn't complain much about this time as you hadn't even brushed your hair yet, and he said, "Well you better start getting ready," and with that, he left to his own room.

So you did get ready and got dressed into your classic shorts and shirt combo, and felt a little bit better with your Dad's little pep talk. You don't know how he did it, but with just a few words he could make you feel that much more optimistic. But as soon as you got to your first class, that shred of confidence you had in yourself flew out the window as you stared at the thick packet and scantron waiting for you on your desk, and you knew as TG would've eloquently put it, that you were in all regards, fucked.

You got through it after three hours, (the final week schedule was weird; you had 2 final periods on monday and tuesday, both days consisting of two 3 hour classes, instead of your regular six period schedule, and then only 1 final period on wednesday and thursday, which resulted in all the students being able to leave early those days, and friday as an off day) and you felt brain dead. At least you were 1/6th of the way through finals and you were sure you hadn't done too horribly. Although who knows, your U.S. history teacher did have a tendency to fuck students over for the fun of it. Or that's how it seemed at least.

You weren't sure how you were going to make it through A.P. Language English next if you already felt this brain dead, but it's not like you exactly had a choice. You pulled out your phone when you felt it buzz from your back pocket. You felt yourself smile despite the stress when you saw it was TG.

-turntechGodhead [TG] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 11:03-

TG: 'sup

TG: you still alive over there Egbert

EB: no my brains leaking out of my ears

EB: but that's normal so dont worry

TG: Uh okay

TG: Taking that as in you are far from okay

EB: i just came from ap u.s. History...it was a 150 question test multiple choice scantron

EB: hahahaha of course im okay!

EB: silly TG thinking im not :B

TG: Hey don't die out there okay

TG: If you need me to come out there and hold your hand and tell your teachers to fuck off I will

EB: hey its not like my teachers are stabbing me or something

EB: or telling me shitty jokes like you

EB: so dont worry about it! as nice as itd be to hold hands with your aj stained fingers i think ill pass!

You look up and realize you had been so wrapped in your conversation that you don't realize that you had bumped into Eridan, and you quickly felt a little nervous as he was kind of a tall guy and had an air of douchebaggery about him that intimidated you. You floundered for a second before sheepishly laughing and saying, "Sorry about that, guess I wasn't watching where I was going!"

He huffed and rolled his eyes, and shoved past you making you stumble into a locker, despite the hallway being completely empty, not before turning around to level you a glare that you made you a little on edge as he made his way into an empty class. Well you had no idea what that was about, and you decided to put your phone away until you reached your eating spot where Karkat and Jade were probably already eating. You were betting they were already arguing, especially with how on edge Jade is bound to be. As soon as you got there you figured if it was an actual bet, you'd owe yourself a dollar as they argued about answers to a test they both had apparently took (it was for film class of all things, and you found yourself laughing at the ridiculousness of it).

After they settled what they called a 'debate' they started asking you about how your test went and you said you felt you knew more about Dwight D. Eisenhower than you knew about yourself, to which both of them laughed. You asked them about how theirs went and Karkat went into a long winded rant about how it was about the most useless shit in the universe that their teacher had shoved under their teenaged eyeholes, to which Jade completely agreed. You had never seen Jade so quick to agree with Karkat on anything and you found yourself completely glad that you already took film in 9th grade with a different teacher.

The three of you sat and ate your lunch and towards the end Jade and Karkat launched into another argument (which genuinely surprised you as they usually only argued once per lunchtime, but you supposed this was a good way for them to let out stress) and you realized you had forgotten to answer TG so you promptly pulled out your phone to find a dozen or so missed messages.

TG: are you calling my jokes shitty

TG: because if so last I recall I wasn't the one telling knock knock jokes clearly all of them found online

TG: Your hand meat could use a little tenderizing with my 'AJ stained hands' you know you want to feel them

TG: the ladies are lined out my door waiting to get a whiff of my hand John

TG: don't diss these hands john

TG: no one can resist the charm of a stri

TG: fuck i mean

TG: god damn see what you did

TG: you got me more riled up about apple juice than a 13 year old boy discovering porn for the first time

TG: except im not jerkin it to apple juice if thats what youre thinking

TG: I mean I may like weird shit but apple juice is not on that list

TG: jesus christ this is where rose would tell me to shut up

EB: hahahahaha

EB: oh my god

TG: the fuck are you laughing at John Egbert

EB: hahahahaha

TG: what the hell

TG: stop laughing it ain't that fuckin funny

EB: it really is

TG: it really isn't

EB: oh my god

EB: TG, or 'Stri' who the ladies apparently can't resist

EB: you are even weirder than i suspected

EB: you might need to go to the hospital to get it checked out since its a little concerning how much of a weirdo you are!

TG: I'm gonna piss on everything you love

EB: *gasps* wow all the way from texas?

EB: you must have really good aim!

TG: you bet your ass I do

TG: my tender dung puncher has better aim than a goddamn hit man

EB: uh TG no offense but what the fuck does that mean

TG: uh fuck it doesn't mean anything

TG: just don't look it up

You jump as you feel hair drape over your shoulders and you turn your head to see Jade reading your conversation, snickering. You feel your face heat up and you don't know why so you immediately stuff your phone in your pocket. Like you two were talking about something that others weren't supposed to see, and you weren't sure why you felt that way. "A dung puncher*?" She snickered into your ear, which then turned into a full blown laugh and you felt the urge to look it up to get why it was so funny and you immediately felt your face heat up. What the fuck.

"John he just called his wang a dung puncher!" she said through laughs, wiping away a couple of tears and okay it was definitely not that funny, tears were certainly not necessary here, "Who the hell calls their dick that!"

You suddenly felt frustration rush through you and you turned around fully to face her, "Why were you reading my conversation Jade! That's supposed to be private!" You tried your best to sound angry but it came out more of a whine and Jade rolled her eyes and you groan, "Bluh! Why do I even try reasoning with you?"

That got a snort out of Karkat as he watched this whole debacle and he went to back to whatever game he was playing on his phone and Jade was suddenly by his side betting him she could beat his score. You yourself roll your eyes possibly harder than she did and got back to your conversation with TG. Who was totally freaking out, much to your amusement.

TG: tell me you didn't look it up John

TG: even if you did I was being fucking ironic

TG: not something you're unironic self could even try to comprehend

TG: even if they offered a class called 'Irony 101: How to Not Be a Dipshit'

TG: and all you had to do was spell out the word irony to pass the class

TG: you'd probably get like a negative 10 on your assignment

TG: so uhh don't think anything about what I said got it

EB: i looked it up and wow TG didn't know you were into guys!

EB: im totally okay with im just surprised is all!

TG: Do i have to reiterate to your lizard sized brain that I was being fucking ironic like the suave motherfucker I am

EB: you dont have to lie TG

EB: i really couldnt care less what your sexuality is!

EB: you could like having sex with cars for all I care, id think of you the same!

TG: uhh what

EB: if i was rose she probably wouldve said that was a 'freudian slip' or something hehe

EB: but who knows im just a dumb dork with no experience!

EB: dont take it the wrong way im just trying to be supportive

TG: thanks i'll let you know when i'm getting married to a nice toyota camry

TG: we'll have little car-human babies

TG: they'll have my eyes and her dashboard

TG: oh my god...if you were Rose she'd probably be having a field day trying to analyze what 'dung puncher' meant

TG: probably compare it to the struggles of the Gays everywhere and how the Straights were repressing my true inner self

TG: or something like that

EB: ewwwwww

EB: uh TG no offense but i didn't actually want that mental image of you and a car together...

EB: so you are saying you're into guys! if you wouldn't deny it from rose...

TG: who wouldn't want to imagine that, it's better than any porn ever combined

You aren't able to read anymore messages from him as Jade's waving a hand in front of your face saying 'earth to Joooohn' and that makes you realize the bell already rung and lunch is over so you turn your phone off and stuff it in your pocket and set off for A.P. Language English. You feel dread rise up in you already knowing this was going to go poorly.

You were so right, much to your displeasure. You had to write five essays in three hours and the side of your hand was smeared with graphite, and you couldn't even recall what you had written, which according to Rose was a normal phenomenon once someone is put in a stressful situation, to forget details until a stressful situation is over. You weren't sure if that was a legitimate fact but hey who were you to question Rose's psychology, it's not like you knew any more than her. In fact she had apparently finished and passed an A.P. psychology class last year in flying colors, and you knew that was only because she already knew so much about it.

As soon as you got home you found you didn't have the energy to go upstairs so you walked over to the couch and promptly flopped on it. Since your dad still hasn't come yet from his errands (much to your luck) you close your eyes and decide now's a better time than any to take a nap, so soon enough you fall asleep. You wake up what feels like only minutes later, to realize the sun was starting to set and a blanket had been draped over you at some point, and when you check your phone you see it's already 7:30 and despite it having been about 4 and a half hours since you fell asleep, you feel possibly even more tired. Much to your amazement, you smell dinner and your inner curiosity summoned you to the kitchen, to which you find spaghetti on the stove and you immediately serve up and dig in, not realizing how hungry you had actually been.

You heard your dad make his way down the stairs and you quickly abscond to the living room to go eat, not really having the energy to talk to anyone right now, not until you got more food in you. Plus you had the feeling he was going to ask about school, and how your friends were doing, and your immediate thought was that you'd say not good to both his questions, and probably faint or something due to unseen stressors and you'd end up in the hospital and Rose would give you a speech on some psychological bullshit on why this happened. Or...maybe you were overreacting. Jeez you don't know why you were mentally ragging on Rose so much today, you were glad she couldn't read minds.

So after finishing your spaghetti you return to the kitchen and greet your dad who's now making his evening rendition of coffee and he asks, "How are you son?"

You glance up at him and see a tinge of concern in the lines of his face so you smile and say, "Better after that nap, that's for sure!" which was a lie, but you didn't want him to worry.

"That's good to hear," he smiles, a genuine one that you think matches yours a little too well (or vise versa, since you got the genetics from him, not the other way around), "How about your friends? How're they doing?"

You think for a second, as you start washing your spaghetti sauce laden bowl, "Jade's okay," maybe? you want to hope so, "although probably a lot more stressed than she needs to be!" you think you're a probably a lot more stressed than you needed to be too but hey, they put so much emphasis on finals that it felt like it was as important as giving birth, "and Karkat seems to be handling it pretty okay!" As well as a Karkat can handle something you think. You're not sure how Rose or TG is handling it, so you don't mention either, and after the two of you talk a little bit more about each other's respective days, you head upstairs to do some more studying before you head to bed.

You pull out your A.P. Chemistry notes for your test tomorrow, and as the words swim in front of you after only ten minutes and it felt like you were trying to understand Greek, you decided it'd probably be better to cram tomorrow morning before school, after you get a proper night's rest. So you pull out your phone which understandably, you hadn't checked since lunch, and saw multiple missed messages, a couple from Karkat, and the rest from TG. Oh yeah, you forgot you kind of forgot to message him as he was about to go off and what was probably another tangent, much to your amusement.

-carcinoGeneticist [CG] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:55-

CG: HEY FUCKFACE.

CG: I'M NOT SURE WHAT YOUR REPELLENT BUTTERFINGERS ARE UP TO RIGHT NOW BUT I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU ABOUT THE ADVANCED PLACEMENT ENGLISH LANGUAGE TEST.

CG: WHAT NOW YOU'RE SUDDENLY TOO GOOD TO ANSWER BACK? JESUS CHRIST HOW MUCH OF A PRETENTIOUS FUCK CAN YOU BE.

CG: I COULD BE IN A FUCKING HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW AND YOU WOULD PROBABLY JUST GIVE ME A FUCKING GET WELL SOON CARD FROM WALGREENS WITH STUPID FUCKING MINIATURE PETULANT BEARS ON THEM LIKE THE FUCKING ASS YOU ARE.

CG: FINE I'LL ASK SOMEONE ELSE YOU UTTERLY INCOMPETENT FOOL. SEE YOU AT SCHOOL TOMORROW.

-carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 18:05-

You pinch the bridge of your nose, trying to quell irritation rising up in you, wondering why Karkat had such a vendetta against Walgreens. It was actually a really cool store! You could probably live in there if you had the option to. All the employees knew you at your local one, and one named Gretchen regularly checked up on you in almost motherly manner, and you found yourself smiling at the thought.

So you check your other messages from Dave, wondering how much the conversation probably spiraled in your absence and boy you were not disappointed one bit.

TG: and who gives a shit what Rose thinks about my apparently suppressed homogay feelings for guys

TG: she's been on that idea for years

TG: like flies on shit

TG: like a baby on a tit

TG: like a hand in a mit

TG: like fingers on a zit

TG: Uh but anyways, why are flies attracted to shit I mean that nasty

TG: it's like nosediving head first into a toilet because your species was genetically programmed to like everything awful

TG: like how flies vomit on your food so they can digest it better

TG: urgh imagine if humans had to do that

TG: i'd nope the fuck out of a being a human

TG: John you there or are you just watching me talk out of my ass and laughing to yourself

TG: oh my god you probably laughed yourself to death

TG: do i have to call the hospital on you John

TG: okay fine you're not answering me I see how it is

TG: i'm just going to go eat my feelings until you answer me back

turntechGodhead [TG] has become an idle chum!

You snicker to yourself, and think how you'd probably hate being a fly. Then again there are people who are into really weird stuff, which you have witnessed first hand by accidentally coming across Karkat's internet history (you shudder at the memory) to which he called you a dumbass and said it was research, and research for what you hope you'd never find out.

So you decide to answer back, despite it being almost 8 and TG might be asleep for all you know.

EB: ewww now you have me thinking about the biology of flies gross

EB: and my friends internet porn history

EB: thanks for that TG :B

TG: fuck now you answer? Ive been sitting here lonelier than a 70 year old hooker

TG: i ate out my feelings so much they should feature me on TLC

TG: and the show would be called My Metric Ton Pound Life

TG: It'd get 7 seasons because who the fuck wouldn't want to watch me fuck up

EB: interesting...analogy hehe

EB: but sorry i feel asleep!

EB: wow TG that's a little...sad :(

TG: the damage is already done Egbert, i'm lonelier now than kmart after a black friday

TG: than salads around a diabetic couple

TG: than a tapeworm without a small intestine

TG: and hey you know you'd probably watch the fuck out of that

TG: i should monetize on that shit

TG: get it trademarked up in this bitch

EB: ...

EB: ...

TG: hey don't you ellipses me you little asshole

EB: are you okay TG?

TG: wait what

TG: yeah of course why

EB: because if you think people would actually watch that you should get your mind checked!

EB: obviously you're delusional!

EB: insane in the membrane!

TG: wow you sure showed me

TG: I guess now that you've properly dissed me do you feel better now

TG: what the fuck don't spout that fuckin song at me

EB: hehe :B

EB: aw such a party pooper

EB: youre no fun

TG: dont you hehe :B at me

TG: who said i was any fun

TG: when you signed up for this friendship where did it say I was obligated to be fun

EB: :B :B :B :B :B :B :B :B :B

EB: HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE

EB: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

EB: HOHOHOHOHOHOHO

EB: teehehehe

EB: whaaaat are you talking about of course i signed up for that!

TG: oh of course how could I forget the contract we obviously signed

TG: must've not read the fine print or something

TG: damn it egbert you got me again

TG: you have kicked my fine ass into next week

TG: my ass is thoroughly tenderized

EB: bahahahaha

EB: mehehehehehe

EB: lololololololol

EB: bwahahahah

TG: I know i'm funny but goddamn

EB: :/ wow humble much

EB: i was laughing at the thought of your ass just falling off your body

EB: like a skin tag

TG: gross you don't even know what my ass looks like

TG: got fine TG ass on the mind Johnny boy?

TG: we've only been talking since last month and now you wanna grip my supple babies bottom

EB: i actually am thinking about sleeping so gnite!

TG: aight sleep well Johnny boy

TG: i hope your mind is deployed

TG: with the thoughts of my soft ass

TG: even if you find this a little crass

TG: I couldn't give a fuck

TG: it just ain't in your luck

EB: okay night weirdo

ectoBiologist [EB] has ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 20:59-

You turn off your phone and despite it being basically only 9 p.m. you felt exhausted, and knew you had a long week ahead of you so with the little energy you have left, you brush your teeth and strip to your boxers and before you remember to put a shirt on, you fall asleep cuddling your plush slimer and your phone in your other hand, buzzing as you drifted off into the subconscious.

TG: night nerd

TG: text you tomorrow

turntechGodhead [TG] has become an idle chum!

**A/N**

**For those of you who may not know, A.P. stands for advanced placement, so if someone is taking an A.P. Chemistry class then it just means it's hard asf with a crap ton of homework/notes/tests but it helps out for college/university...but you may already know that so if you do then ignore this haha. But anyways what do you think of this? Is it okay, did I screw up on anything? What did you think of 'TG' almost revealing his last name to John? Yeah just tell me what you think! Love you all, keep being super cool :'^)**


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